I had a twinge of guilt because I still have doubts about what God is doing within me. I mean, it’s like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde inside me--Dr. Depression and Mr. Optimism cohabitate simultaneously within my mind and spirit. It seems that some days depression wakes me up, takes hold, and won’t let me go. Other days, optimism reigns without much thought. Most days, depression and optimism are like two sides of the same coin, they exist at the same time, come and go as they please, triggered by who knows what.
This life scenario caused me a moment of guilt during a praise chorus in church on December 31, 2006. Guilt for a moment, because the thought came to me that if faith really reigned in me then this doubt, frustration, depression wouldn’t be a day to day struggle.
Then I realized that this is life and living everyday is a choice. The ability to choose is present because the Holy Spirit is present. On days I struggle with depression, my depression doesn’t repel God. On days that confidence reigns, my confidence, contentment, cheeriness doesn’t draw God. He is present because of what Jesus did on my behalf. He has chosen me and because of that I have a choice.
My choice is not between depression and delight. There are events in life that the human response is delight or depression. Not to experience them is to live in denial of reality. In the midst of all things I can learn to live in His choiceful presence. He has chosen to be present in me, even in the doubting depression that disturbs me so deeply. I can learn to live in His love every moment of every day irrespective of the state of my emotions.
“I’m absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.” The Message (Ro 8:38)
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